Christmas to me

He came to us a long time ago.

Almost silently, tho His coming was foretold.

A Savior is born, A Savior is born.

His Name, Emmanuel.

God became flesh, moved into the hood.

He came fully knowing, but few understood.

A Savior is born, A Savior is born.

His Name, Jesus Christ.

He came for one reason, one reason alone.

To free us from bondage, and bring us home.

A Savior is born, A Savior is born.

His Name, Righteous and True.

He laid down His life, was nailed to a tree.

The only perfect scarfice that would save you and me.

A Savior is born, A Savior is born.

His Name, the Lamb of God.

Three days later, just has He foretold.

He rose from the dead, so we would know.

A Savior is born, A Savior is born.

His Name, Lord of Lords.

This Christmas day, as you frolic with family and friends.

Remember and give thanks, this story doesn't end.

He's coming back again!

Richard.

What a sight.

What a sight we must be from Your vantage.

Darting about, not sure what to do, afraid and confused.

What a sight we must be. as You look down upon us.

Some full of themselves, yet without a clue.

Some frighten and cowering, not knowing what to do.

I must confess at times I'd be laughing, if I were looking down.

Yet, I'm not sure that's what You do.

For there's an immense sense of sadness in this from just what I see.

What a sight we must be, as we stagger and fall.

What a sight we must be, to a Lover who calls.

What a sight we must be, through eyes filled with tear.

What a sight we must be, as we struggle down here.

What a sight we must be, what pain we must cause.

To the One, who's waiting for us to answer His Call.

What a sight we must be, what pain we must cause.

To the One, who's is waiting for us to answer His Call.

Richard.

This world

Those less fortunate struggle to survive.

It doesn't matter where you lie.

From one end of the planet to the other.

If you don't have money, you don't matter.

This world is upside down, no one cares.

It's not about who you are.

It's about what you wear.

Designer clothes and fast cars.

Lots of money makes who you are.

Don't get sick, contract some disease.

You'll die for sure, unless you have the green.

Something seems wrong, it's not the way it should be.

Where's the compassion, the mercy, for you and me.

He came as a poor infant.

He died on a tree.

It won't be long now, He's coming for thee.

He's setting things right, as they should be.

The first will be last and the last shall be free.

The beginning of the fall of Materialism

For as long as we have been together, "black Friday" as meant joy and excitement for one, pain and contempt for the other. You guess which one is which.

This "black Friday" however is different. How you may ask. The alarm didn't go off at 4 am as has been the norm, but it did not come without pain.

I watch and mourned as my wife struggled with the onset of this shopping season. You see we have no money. None that can be spent at least not to the extravagance it has been in the past and after completing a study in how God wants us to steward the finance He has blessed us with, we couldn't, with a clear conscience, simply charge the impending exchange of gifts either. As, she cried and struggle with her desire to shop, I could do nothing but hold her and try to enter into the pain she was and is feeling.

Is this the beginning of the fall of materialism in our lives? I don't know, but it is both a sad and joyous time. It is different from years past, we desperately want to honor God more than we want to honor Macy's, Walmart, or Target. That's certainly different.

I am both thankful and awe struck at how God can move in the hearts of men and women. There is definitely Hope for the future found in Him.

Richard.

Confession and Prayer

How strange, yet how wonderful this life You have brought me into. In the middle of confusion and disarray there is a peace, a contentment that I can not fully explain. I feel confident and so sure of You as life spins out of control. I am so very grateful that You are in control and have afforded me the faith to rest in Your arms as this fallen world crumble around me. By Your hand and Your design this faith comes alive, while I can see no chance of life maintaining it's present coarse.

I have been struggling to resurrect a dead marriage, to lead my wife and family by Your example, only to discovery that I can't. I have been relying on my own strength and my own will to re-direct this life You have brought me into. I couldn't revive my own life, I don't know why I would think that I could revive my family life. I was dead, had no life in me, had never lived at all, yet You have taken this rotting corpse and breathed new life into it. I should know better.

I'm turning to you. I'm way in over my head. Every day I should realize more than the day before my need for You, my Savior. Take this broken, dead marriage and make it what You you will, by Your Will. I've trusted you, I'm trusting you. You are the only One.

Teach me to pray, to follow Your lead, to rest in Your arms, to do Your Will. Lord, I'm weak, and wounded, and defiled my sin. You are my only hope. Thank You for all You have given me so far, if there is no more I am already the luckiest man that every walk this earth.

Why do I Believe in Jesus?

Why do I Believe in Jesus?

I believe in Jesus, because He makes me believe.

He came to me in such a way that there is no question in my mind.

He for reason I can't explain, can not perceive, do not understands, sees something in me of value.

Somehow, I've known Him and He's known me, long before this time and place.

I didn't have to ask, "Who are you?". I knew don't ask me how, I just knew.

No one has been talked about more than He. Before He came and 2000 plus years since, everyone is talking about Him.

To say I believe doesn't quite explain how it is. It's more of a knowledge, something that is unshakable. Without question.

Better than gold, better than fame, better than everything is He who gave His life for me.

There is no other, can never be. He is pure Love and He's showering me.

Thank You Lover, thank You Friend.

Why do I Believe? Because of He.

What's enough!

How do I praise You O' Lover?
How do I lift You up?
What could I do, that's Worthy enough?
As I ponder, fritting making a fuss.
I hear Your Words, You're saying:
I Love you So Much
I've come to you
Set My attention on your heart
My Love will never waiver
I will never depart
Give Me your undivided attention
All of your heart
There can be no other
I must be first and last
The sole focus of your heart
That's all I ask
Give to Me your Life
All of your heart.

What a fittng tribute I thought.
All of my heart all of my thoughts.
That's all I have, there's nothing else in my box.
Please take what I have, I'm sorry it's broke.
Why You would want it, I just don't know.
But, it Yours, it all that I've got.
I thank You and Praise You,
Says this broken heart.

Richard

Part of the Change!

What has changed since the Spirit of God entered this house and was given control. The short answer is everything. But there is much more to it! Starting from the beginning, and I'm sure I will leave something out, the first change I noticed was freedom from the physical expression of sin, sin being lust, an all consuming desire for sex, worshipping the sex no-god, bowing before him in constant worship, every thought tainted with sex, and seeking life from sex. Though the drive behind the physical expression was gone, the habit of thinking and acting that way was and is a continual battle. A battle I couldn't win alone, but I'm not alone. My view of sex and sexuality has changed and probably will change even more. God has taken me thru what seem like several stages, that have shaped my thinking toward sex and where I seek life from. I had tried for decades, to squeeze wholeness, or life, or fulfillment, or satisfaction, whatever you want to call it, from sex. Wholeness, the kind we all long for, can only be found in the Creator, the Giver of Life, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, there is NO other source. He's the only one. But, because of the event in the Garden of Eden, we are separated from the Source of all Life. And, that why I find myself in dire need of rescue, my ways are so ingrained that it's going to take a life time, or what left, to change into what God has desired for me.

As the seasons pass, I'm discovering a whole new way of life. A life where sex is a gift, a gracious gift, that's given out of other-centeredness. It's so much more than the act of inserting or of being enter by ones genital. I'm discovering that sex isn't even important, I know that sends shivers down peoples back, but it really isn't. What's important is God. Does anyone intend to have sex with God? I think there much more to it! And, I think sex has nothing to do with it. As I said, sex is a gift given by God, perverted by man. There have been a few times now, when sex was the farthest thing from my mind, and then out of nowhere finding myself being desired by my wife. I was surprised, it was not by my efforts, it was a gift, and Wow what a gift. Something happened that I've never really experienced before, it was awesome. Of coarse, I tried later to re-enact the event, it was nothing like the gift, it was me trying to please myself. Yet another stage, of the changing view I hold. A view that's changing from sex as giving life to God who can give life.

Five years later

On this day, five years ago I remember most vividly my reaction to the event of the day. I was awaken by my wife, after working the night shift, and walked into the front room to see the second plane hit the World Trade Center. Needless to say, I didn't return to sleep that day. I watched in disbelief as the networks replayed the first attack and as the towers fell into ruin. As the anger welled up, I remember wishing that there was something I could do. I went to work that evening, not feeling like working at all. As I drove that night to make my delievers, it was the strangest and most serreal night I've ever remembered. Not a plane in the sky, the whole sense of the night was eriely quiet. I was not a Christian at the time, I was an American and we had been attack, and I was mad as hell and ready to go to war. They had kill inocent men, women, and children for no good reason. I wanted revenge and was willing to fly a plane into one of their buildings if given the chance. As I said, I wasn't a follower of Christ Jesus yet. I was mad, madder than I had ever been before in my life.

I'm not mad today. Today, I'm thankful, thankful for His coming into my life, thankful that today, I can pray for those who are so blinded by their hatred and self-centeredness. Today, I can say, Thank You Jesus for all You do and all Your about to do. As the world fall into choas and fills with smoke and ash and the cries of those being hurt and killed echoe thru the air, I can sing Your praises and rest in that fact that You and You alone are in control of all. Thank You Lord Jesus, Thank You.

Learning to Communicate

I'm discovering the possibility that my internal world and my external appearance do match up. It seem that what I'm feeling on the inside is either not being projected or is being projected wrong.

Recently, while dining and conversing with my wife and two friends. I asked a question to clarify what was being said, all three people stated that I appeared to be mad. What was going on inside me, wasn't anger, rather passionate curiosity. I didn't understand what was being said.

I don't discount that my two worlds are disconnected, I have lived my entire life up until now securely tucked in my hell, I'm mean shell. Even now, I've only been experiencing real life for a short time, and the just of what I've felt has been the pain and sorrow that I hid so well from. Even reading what others are thinking and feeling is new to me. I've always been so suspect of everyone, and I finding that suspicion hard to overcome. Then there's my motives behind what I say and do. Wow, that a fun ride. Not! My self-centered interests are alive and well and I find that questioning my motives is something that must be done constantly.

It's rare, for me, to find conversation that's not clouded by self-interest, mine or others. But, in those time that I am curious about someone else and there is no motive other than walking along side the person or in the times when others are that away with me. Something at the Soul level is exchanged and I can feel Jesus intimately involved in the relationship. Those are the times I long for. Times when words do not have to be spoken.

Sexual Desire: Good and/or Bad

I'm discovering that what drives my sexual desire is the key to whether or not that desire is sinful. My view of sex and sexual desire, up until, now has been twisted to say the least. God created sex and sexual desire and it's created intend was, as a gift between a man and a women in marriage to strengthen their bond and accent it, if you will. Sex and Sexual desires are good, no they're Great. God wants us to enjoy sex. He does not, however, want us to replace our need for Him with the need for sex. I have always placed more importance on sex than on anything else, God included. I searched for satisfaction there, have never found it, there, yet I continue to return to it, even now knowing the only place to find what's missing is with God Himself. In the bonds of marriage, in that biblical place where sex is not sin, I sin in my attitude towards my wife. Viewing sex as a right, a possesion, something due me, and I have Scripture to back me up. Yeah, right. That not what God think, even in the marriage bed, in the supposed pursuit of your wife as one of God's own children, I covet that gift of sex, motives of self-center gratification are in my depths, My desire for sex should not control my every thought. Yes, God created this drive in me, as a gift, not to consume all my attention, even if all my advance are at my wife, every thought about her and her alone, even then if my only motivation is to have sex then, I'm no better than worst sinner, indeed I am the "Chief of all Sinners". I do believe that God wants me to pursue my wife, but not for her gential area alone. If in the process of exploring who my wife is and what makes her "tick", if somewhere along the way we stop to enjoy each other sexually, then that a gift and worthy of enjoying to it's fullest. That's happening now, even though it's still a struggle, there are glimpse of what God intended sex to be in my life. It wonderful and gets better each time it happens. To say I can't wait, would be a lie, I can wait, and I can be content to let God give me that gift again, if He should ever chose to. Even in marriage, it not about me, it about Him.

Journal: August 2006

August 1st,

I find I'm afraid of the answers to the questions. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid, and my fear only add to the pain. I want, restoration. I think, the damage runs to deep to every get pass it in this life. I'm glad, I pay little attention to myself, and leave the room for You to work. It's not even that I need to be free of pain, as long as I'm able to love, and live, life would be vastly improved. I don't want personal gain, I want to be of benefit to you. I know we've made progess and I now have a greater understanding of You, I also see I'll always be in need of You. It seems like, even knowing this, I've starting thinking I've gotten pass this, some how better able to care for myself. This is the farthest thing from the truth, the reality is I'm utterly dependent on You, shouldn't even be allowed to think for myself, much less have the ideal that I'm capable of doing anything. I need You more every day. Everyday, I find I'm dependent on You for everything, and each new day doesn't change that fact. It only serves as a reminder of my total dependence on You. The funny thing is I find my freedom in You, freedom I've always look for in independence. Free from the struggle to create life, maintain that life, and manage it effectively. Thank You for wanting to give me life, for living this life for me, and for all the other things You do that I have no ideal of. May I never forget to surrender my control of each day to You.

August 2nd,

I have no ideal of how You will work in my life today, just that You will. This use to frigthen me, and I held, am still struggling with, great importance in knowing what You were going to do next. I'm finding that need less as important, and enjoyable, as is the exhilaration of experiencing Your work firsthand. You are certainly full of surprizes. There's no second guessing You. And, You always get Your way. You require and deserve my complete trust. I'm learning how to do that, although it seems slow and shaky from this side, and I'm in need of Your help with this too. You know I can never thank You enough. With love.

August 3rd,

Let me start out by stating: "I need You", "I give all control to You", and "Thank You". What areas of my life are not surrendered to You? Help me to see those areas and give up my desire for control. I invite You into every room, You have the run of the house. This blind and batter being is tired of trying to live his own life, tired of his failures, tired of the constant battle, tired of fighting to make something of his life. Let me rest and watch as You work. Use this pile of dust to do whatever You desire, I have no use for it anymore. I have not the knowledge to make it perform. You alone are the only Being, who can. There's just no sense in me trying anymore. As a father, I'm a failure, for the sake of my children please come to their rescue. As a husband, I'm a failure, please be the husband my wife so desperately needs. As Your follower, I'm a failure, I don't understand most of the time and I run off constantly on my own, please help me to be loving, faithful, obedient, patient, understanding, and surrendered completely to You. I need You, You are my Savior, and the only One who can help.

August 4th,

Thank You for grounding me in the truth of my desperate condition. Even as You work wonders in my life, bringing hope and showering me with grace, I find myself floored at the depravity of my being and the love You have for me. What a tangled mess I've made. Thank You for taking apon Yourself all my trouble. In the mist of all the pain and sorrow, I feel some how, joyful and excited about what You're doing. Thank You, Your love and concern for me make no sense. It would be easier for You to just be done with me, but that's not the way You work. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

August 5th,

Two days of extreme physical pain have overshadowed the emotional pain somewhat. It's hard to think of anything else. Really tired of this, although it must be nothing compared to what You went through. Thank You for a somewhat understanding family. It must be extremely hard on them. I know I could be in much worse circumstances. It's really hard to think and express my feelings in the mist of this pain. I'm grateful, and feel blessed and at the same time wish it would go away. I know You said Your Grace is sufficant, and it is more than sufficant. I guess I'm just tired, phyiscally and emotionally. Thank You, I know that without You in my life this would be intolerable. Bless You Lord with all my love.

August 6,

I hear your call to go back to the scene of the rape. Just the thought of that is painful, not to mention the pain of knowing I will. If that make any sense. What's there? Is that little six year old boy waiting there. Thank God for the community that you've surrounded me with. The brothers will go in a heart beat and help see me thru. Thank You.

August 8th,

So thankful that your in control and guiding my life. I guess, if my eyes are focused solely on You I don't need to know what's next, what's coming, or where to go. So very thankful. Tommorrow is the day I share the reality of my life with my small group. You are the only reason I will enter into the pain. Not for personal gain, just that You ask me to and I know that You will be there very step of the way and afterwards You will still be there. That knowlegde will allow me to go to depths I haven't been yet. Thank You. Am I nervous, yes and no. Yes, because I don't like pain, no, because You are here and care for me like no one else. Thanks again Love.
Been a day, since I wrote this morning. I hope I showed some restraint. I hope I showed You to someone. Each day certainly has it's twists. Thanks for being there. With Love.

August 9th,

I want You to show me the idolitry in my life, but it hurts to see how subtle the ways are. I'm still bowing to the sex god, still looking to that for statisfaction, even creating new twists to justify the need. Taking possesion of Your gifts instead of just enjoying the gift. Making the gift more important than You. There no bottom to the depths of my sinfulness.

August 10th,

Still processing what You've shown me, and continue to get more. Sharing the truth about my life this time wasn't the same as last time. Last time I came into it with anxiety, this time Your loving presence didn't leave room for that option. There was no fear. You have shown me that You are not ashamed of me, nothing I have hidden from the world or myself could change that. You already known me inside out. And, You love me as I am. What the world thinks of me doesn't matter. You are my only audience. You accept me and that is all I need. I still have a long way to go, and I know You are leading the way. Thank You for helping me see past my emotions and guiding me as I explore my wife's pain. Help me to move towards her with discernment and pure motives. I'm relying on You to guide me as I learn to love her as You love the church. Thank You again for always being here. What a journey, WOW.

August 14th,

Trying hard not to put expectations on what will happen at the creek. I trust You and know that You will be there. I could give forgiveness if confronted with my abuser. I could tell him "I forgive you" and share the Gospel with him. If I run into him that's what I'll do. I'm excited to see what You will do. I can also introduce that little boy who's still out there, to You and the wonders You have performed in my life. I can face the pain that's there and the memory also. I can do all this, only because of You. Your love for me and the grace you have shown me is more than any trial I could face. I know You will be there and see me thru anything that comes my way. Nothing matters except what You want, what You need. I thank You with all my heart. I love You with all my being. You are the central focus of my life. All I want to see is You and You alone. Thank You for this wonderful life.

August 15th,

I will go the creek where I was raped at the age of six, tommorrow. I don't know what I will find, but I know Your in charge and I put my trust in You. Whatever happens tommorrow let it be to Your Glory. I thank You. What a wonderful life You have given me.

August 17th,

The day after, thoughts are more about how that incident made me. How sex has rule my life, how I rarely did anything that wasn't sexually orrientated. How thankful I am for You and how much I need You everyday.

August 21st,

Very thankful today.

August 29th,

Things are moving in my life.

Journal: July 2006

July 19th,

Wow, thank you Lord, for this incredible journey You have me on. This is awesome. Thank you. Keep me on Your path, following You, focused on You. I seek to know You more, the more You reveal Youself, the more I want of You. Help me to seek those ways I still use to protect myself, help me stop punishing myself and to experience life abundantly. Show me those barriers that keeps me from knowing You more. Thank You. In Your Name I ask.

You are the One, it is because of You, I'm where I'm at now. Experiencing life like never before, like I never could've imagined. Doing this "timeline" again with You, side by side, stirs up, brings to light many new patterns, styles of relating I hadn't seen. Still painful to look at, but so much more easier with you help.

I'm excited about using this blog and becoming more open to the people You have blessed me to be in relationship with. I willing to lay it all out there, for all to see. I trust You. Use my life as You see fit, it's all Yours.

Still getting use to this less passive life, this sevant leader life, this other centered life, you contine to exhbit thru me. The balance of love, peace, and confrontation seems to sway more to the confronting. Will this always be so? I supect at times and depending on the relationship involved to seem so. I just glad Your in control.

July 21st

Relief from the heat in the form of rainstorms, thank you. You continue to show me the how much I need You. I'm convinced that the scope of my ability narrows down to two things: I can screw things up or choose to be lead by You. Or, to say it another way I can do nothing. Nothing on my own. I am stained with self (centeredness, protection, pride, etc.) to the point I don't trust even myself. I'm so arrogant or stupid, I, in Your presence, continue to struggle to find life on my own terms. You are there, willing, wanting to direct all my affairs, take care of me, and You can, You are more than able. I've experienced You. I know who You are, and Your desire, Your will. Yet, even as You do all these things, bring me to life. I still turn around and break Your heart. I know no harm can come to me. I know You will provide for my every need. Your love is like no other. Your touch so sweet and gentle. You are powerful beyond words. There is no other. Still I turn my back to You. Saying, "Oh I get it, here let me drive" or "let me do it, ______". Or the best one, "I've conquer that struggle, with God's help". What arrogance, what stupidity. I've done nothing, I received a gift. And, with that gift became Proud, not humbe, Proud as if I'm something special, as if I done something. Earned it some how. Yes, it's I'm holding up the gift in the air and boasting for all to see what I've accomplished. It's shameful, it's knocking You off your place and putting myself up there. I'm my biggest idol. Even as, your right here. I proclaim my status as God in my life. I need a Savior, bad, more everyday. Thank You for being my Savior. Thank You for Your Grace and Mercy. Thank You for eyes to see and ears to hear You. Thank You.

July 22nd

I'm glad Your leading me thru this mess. It's so confusing, so many seniarios run thru my head sometimes I don't know what to think. Do this, do that, go here, say this, on and on. Questioning human motives, reacting to circumstance, it all quite tiring. How to lead my family in Your ways, what is leading anyway? Is it abandoning myself to You? Do I just let You work in my life and the others will follow. Do I insist on certain behaviors? How do I urge them on? I know I said I wouldn't question. But, here I am with what certainly is questions. Not of Your intentions, but for your guidance. If You are in control of my life, all of my life, then why don't I trust. Why do I need such intimate instruction on the bacis of living. I, at times, fear that I'm trying to control and I know I will mess up. The line gets bllurred to what's of me and what's of You. Then throw in time, I'm impatience. I lean toward the easy road. Yet, I know that's not the way, not always. And, at the same time, the rough road is made easy by Your hand. It truly has been since You entered my life. The last two or three day I've been reading about the people of Jerusalem, and how they trusted you in the face of the Assirians and how You destroyed the enemy without them picking up a sword. They came to You and call for Your help and they didn't have to lift a finger. Totally dependant on You is where I want to be. You're in control and want to help. I need controlled and I am without ability to help myself. Thank You as You continue to put the pieces together in my life. My love for You grows as does my trust. Thank You

July 25th,

The lack of air conditioning the past two days sure has made life at the house interesting. I guess we're use to our comforts and luxuries. I guess it could have been hotter. None the less, we are surviving.
I'm still fighting inside, and of coarse, it's about me not getting what I think I need. I have trouble understanding what the big deal is. It's not like we both won't benefit. I feel I've made known my feelings and desires. It sure gets frustrating when the response is more work than just doing it. I just don't understand. She wants to, she just can't submit. It's really quite sad and very lonely from a physical standpoint. I know You are there and are the only one who can love me perfectly. I know I am loved here also, and I don't exspect to be loved perfectly here. I'm in need of physical touch, I want to be pursued and held, I want to be wanted by my wife. I don't remember being held much, if at all, when I was younger atleast not the way a child should be held anyway. I need to rest in the arms of, lay against, be cuddled, or stroked, and caressed. Can You do this for me. I have felt Your touch. I long for it. You are more than enough. I don't understand why. This life is so much more than I've ever had. Help me to be patient.

July 26th,

Haven't felt up today. Late night, no sleep I'm sure contributed to my depressed state. It's not that good things aren't happening, they are. Group cancelled, I guess that's part of it. I enjoy the time spent in community. It will be two more week until we meet again and I share my timeline. I'm excited and looking forward to what You will do. I'm also not looking forward to entering the pain, although I will, knowing You are there. I was trying to remember good times in my past. There are good memories, vacations, time spent with family, and others. Even in the mist of the all the pain and trauma, I have good memories. I thank You for protecting me all those years. It had to be you, by all rights I shouldn't have made it this long, only by divine supernatural power, have I survived. I very grateful, and thankful for all You have done.
It seem even my good memories, were just attempts at change reality. Cooping by creating fun and entering my shattered world through filter lens. The truth is no matter how I choose to view my past, it's was a horrible and painful time, which shaped me from a victim to and agent in this fallen mean world. I find myself today, saved by Your Grace, and in the middle of the big war. All around, children are being abused. God save our children. You are our only hope. You certainly have made big changes in my life. This life of an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. Thank You for helping me enter into the pain of life and bringing me thru this mess into new life. I know there is a long way to go and I know You will be there every step of the way. Thanks.

July 27th,

Early, 12 mins after midnight I just had to write this down. March 26th 2005 I posted, on a well know christain forum, about being rape when I was young and struggling with the aftermath as an adult. I felt lead to lay it out there and see what happened. It was really the first time I ever publicly talk about it. A few people posted and mostly thanked me for my bravery and encouraged me on in my struggle. Well, today I check in on that forum and someone had private messaged me and I could tell by their comments that You had totally lead them to that message. And, inspired them to contact me. That's way cool. It touches me deep in my soul, that You could use such a tradegic event and bring healing to someone hundreds of miles away. WOW, You continue to amaze me. I am in awe, and can't wait to see what You do next. I'm glad You're in control. I hope and pray that that person finds the hope, love, and freedom that You offer to all and have given me. Thank You Love.


Your will is my command. You set the stage and I will offer myself for Your use. You are more than enough, I was down yesterday and You lifted my up. You continue to pour Your love all over me. Your Grace is sufficient. I can't thank You enough. You've set me free, and I choose to worship You with ever breath. How may I serve You next. Thank You. My heart is Yours.

That person contacted me again, help me to share the blessings You have given me. They're looking for the freedom You provide. Can blame them. You are the only one who can provide. Give me the words of truth, and Your constant guidance. Take me out of the way and use me as You will. Thank You for this awesome seat from which to watch You work.

July 28th,

So what ya going to do with this gift, Ricky? Are you going to find your worth in it, or are ya going to keep you eyes on Jesus and find your worth there? Remember, He set the stage for this to happen, He put His plan into action, you just get to ride along, it's not about you. Find the humble place, graciously accept the gift, and return to your seat, you're filled with joy, express it and give Him the honors. He gave you the joy, too, don't let it go to your head, it's heart joy. You know, the kind you're not used to. It's the waters of life and the Source want you to have access to it. You don't even have to do much, just the hardest thing you've ever done, which is, let Him do it for you and accept His free gift, He only asks that you to be completely dependent on Him. Look to Him for all of life. Stop looking for it yourself. Let Him be God, and you enjoy Him in His present risenness, while you eagerly await His physical return. While you wait, for His return, there are many soul that need to be set free, free from the same prison you were in. Your testimony to His work, in your life, how He set you free, is His call to those still hiding from the pain of this fallen world. Your job is to let His light shine, and testify to His Life, lived in you. That should be easy. Just let Him lead you, He'll do the rest. Remember, His ways are not your ways, so don't think you know how he will work in someone else's life or even your own, in other words, don't try to fix anybody or yourself, you don't know how. All you can do is testify to how He's worked in your life and your not really sure how He did that, just that He did and you had nothing to do with it, you just get to enjoy the life and praise Him for His Grace, and let Him lead. So, little Ricky, Richard is waiting for you to take your seat, we're at the Greatest Party ever thrown, we're guest of, long lost relatives to the Host of the party. We've been given front row seats, the party is going to go on whether we enjoy it or not. So let's enjoy it. Let's start now! What an honor. And, all we have to do is share it and share in it. And, there's more than enough for everybody, a never ending stream. Just let it flow thru, it gets better and better. He is what you've alway been looking for, more than you ever dreamed. He is the source of all life. So it time to grow up, stop going back to that shelter, it not there anymore, He torn it down and we don't need it. I know you'll make the right decision.

July 29th,

Meditating on where You've taken me, over the past years. It seems You've always been in my life. And, where You're taking me now, can't wait to see what's next. Especially, now that You've got me out of that old shell. Wow, what a ride it's been so far. And, all by Your hand. BTW, thank You. Will write more later.

I don't understand, over a year ago I wrote of three boys taking me to the creek, today I tell the same story except with only two boys. What am I surpressing. I've never been able to make sense of why I was allowed to be down there with two strangers. What's missing Lord. The logical answer is I was not allow to go down there with these strangers, I was allowed to go with my uncle and these two boys. If that's the case, then my uncle is part of this. Is this true? And, to what degree would his involvement have been? I was alone with him alot. I'm having a hard time believing this, not that it couldn't be so. I'm asking You to help me understand. This would be a major pain that needs to be meet. I would say, more painful than finding out about my parents involvement. It could explain alot more about what happened. I'm going to trust You, just like before, to take me there and bring me back. I'm ready.

July 31st.

Ok, so I'm walking around just at the edge of brokenness, You known, ready to burst into tears at any moment, feeling just like I'm almost falling of the cliff. Yea, that's the place. Fighting with the truth, fearing the pain, hestitant because of the pain, knowing it's coming. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I have You right beside me every step of the way. You have more than proven that, although I don't know why You should or would, You have, and I'm gratiful. The fellow abuse survivor is nice to talk to, it is evident that I have stuff to learn and teach at the same time. This community you have placed me in is awesome, thank You. This life You have called me to is beyond belief and it's just started. Wow. Thank You for the Love, Grace, and Mercy You show me nonstop. We will talk more.

Timeline: Birth to Present

I was born in 1958 in Independence, Mo. Almost nine months to the day after my parents married.

My oldest memory (at the age of 1 1/2) is of being ran over my my dad's car. The reality is that I ran over myself. I remember being in the car, behind the steering wheel, playing with the steering wheel, the gear shift, and the keys. I remember exiting the car to look for my shoe, which had fallen off upon entry into the car, and crawling under the auto. I remember walking into the house with the keys raised in hand and only being able to see straight ahead. The back tire of the car had rolled across my stomach and pushed me down in the mud. I was caked from the face back with mud. I can still see the terror on the adults faces as the came quickly to see what was wrong. I remember going to the doctor and being examined. Having my legs lifted up, the tire track across the front of my shirt, and my uncle, who is 6 years older getting in trouble for not watching me. This event happened on 71 bypass, which is now 291 highway, just up the hill from where the Twin Drive In is now.

Another early memory is being at a park, or marinia on the Missouri river, seeing a steamboat, running to get a closer look, jumping or attempting to jump a ditch and cutting the side of my knee open, which I still bear the scar, on a piece of metal.

We next moved to Newton street on the hill above the steel plant. I remember playing on the side walk, a little store up the street, being in the yard, some older boys who tried to convince me they had an eye ball on a string, and knocking my little sister out of her wagon by T-boning her wagon with my peddle car. There was a school across the street, but we moved just before I enter Kindergarden. Red Skelton's aunt lived just across the street also.

We moved to Belton and I started school. I remember crying the first day, laying on the floor for nap-time and looking up the teacher's dress as she walk around in between us. I remember getting sick with the mumps, riding bycycles in the street, crashing into a culvert onto some big rocks and having to spent time in the hospital for head injuries. And the neighbors fighting and the police being called. Chasing a snake and being chased by the snake.

Between my Kindergarden and 1st grade years, we moved to the country. South of Mayview, to this old house without running water, the toilet was outside, we took baths in a big tub. It came to be known later as the Haney place, (from the tv show Green Acres). Yes, it was almost that bad. We lived on a hill, had a pond across the driveway, and a lot of acres to run on. There was another house just up the hill and across the road, within a hundred yards, which had aleast two boys living there. Both older than I, one was about ten and the other about twelve. I was six. There was a creek at the bottom of the hill within three hundred yards from our house. One day I went or was allow to go to the creek with the neighbor boys, I think the pretext was to swim. Not sure. I have some very vivid memories from that experience. I remember running and struggling to run from something very painful, scarred for my life I fought and fell in the muid and water of that steepsided creek trying to get away. I remember vividly standing in the field besided that creek as I watched those boys carry me piggy back across the field back to my house. It sounds wild but I have this detacthed vision of me standing there watching myself being carried. When I got home, I remember being punished for not returning with my underpants. What I've come find out about this event is that those boys or at least the oldest one, raped me in that creek that day. That was the first time, the second came later the following summer, I was invited, lured is more like it, up to their house. I remember standing in the front room of this house and the youngest one trying to get me to go upstair, which I was refusing to do. That's when the older boy started coming down to get me. I was scared, there was a gun of some sorts which I grabbed and shot him in the leg. I still remember him grapping his leg where the shot hit and I ran, ran as fast as I could to my house. I remember their faces at the doors and windows as they circled the house. I bet he was pretty mad, because I shot him and he wasn't getting his way with me again. That was the second attack. I don't really remember much of that one. I suspect it was pretty brutal. We moved shortly after that. I never really thought about whether or not my parents knew. Surely they did. How could they not have. Things changed though, I got a pony, could ride it whenever and whereever I wanted. I didn't really get in trouble after the raped. It's not that I was a saint, they would have first responses to my action, but after the emotions settled I never got in trouble for anything I did. I had another bad bicycle wreck and spent more time in the hospital with head injuries during this time. I also remember riding my horse, my dad getting thrown off trying to break the horse. And being very afraid of going outside to the outhouse at night. My little sister had to take me. She still gets a laugh from that.

We moved to Odessa for my second grade year and stayed there until the end of fifth grade. And the effects of abuse started to show as I acted out what had happened to me with the neighbor kids, a boy my age and his younger sister. I remember doing things that I don't know where I learned. Sexual acts that young kids shouldn't even know about. That acting out with the neighbors seems to be a siren call to more preditors. It wasn't long before I found myself once again at the hand of an older boy, much older this time, and in the loft of a local barn. I can still see his penis as he held it out for me to touch, it was so large. I was scared and walked over to the opening in the loft and contemplated jumping out, but couldn't imagine surviving the fall. I remember thinking it might be better to die than endure what was about to happen. I didn't jump. During this time I started spending my summers at my grandparents farm. I was a little sexaul driven, mischievous kid getting into trouble and acting out. I started smoking cigarettes during this time. Things seem to settle down as far as the adults abusing me. I started attending church with my parents and grandparents. I look back now and see the summer stays with my grandparent as an attempt to get me out of the way and out of trouble. Didn't really work though. I did learn about Jesus and knew that He was the true way, although I didn't know what that entailed. One of the last summers spent on the farm, my grandfather died. I remember being awaken by my grandma's screams, running into the front-room, and finding my grandpa knelt down as if he where praying. I helped pull him back and watched as my uncle tried to revive him. That day hurt, hurt bad. Although my sexual experiences with males quieted down during this time, I continued acting out sexually with the neighbor girl for the entire time I lived in Odessa. And during the last summer my grandma lived on that farm, I was abused sexually by a teenage girl. Also that summer, I was introduced to drugs by my uncle, which I confided that fact with my mom, who freaked out and got my uncle in trouble, He didn't talk to me for years. I remember feeling betrayed by my mom.

We either moved to Lexington after my grandfather died or right before. He died at the beginning of that summer. Anyway I started the sixth grade in Lexington and stayed there through High school. My parents are still there. I continued acting out sexually. If I couldn't find a kid my age, boy or girl, I acted out with whatever I could find. I did find a girl although we never did much but kiss, there was a neighborhood boy who did and we explored each other for years. There were a couple of other boys I found myself with. And it didn't take long for the word to get out and the adult preditors started coming around. I was in middle school battling with homosexuality, drug use, and working as many hours as I could at the pizza place, buying my own cigs and taking sex where I found it. I knew I wasn't gay, I was attracted to girls, but getting sex seemed easier with the boys. The couple of adults that took advantage of me during this time where more like bad memories that I couldn't say no to. It was as if they held a power over me that I couldn't refuse. I didn't like what we did, but I didn't seem to mind either and I wasn't being attack. Yes, the forced themselves on me, and I couldn't said no, but it was different. I never really wanted to do the oral thing with any guy, but would insist (more so the older I got) that they take me anally. The high school years came and I started pursuing girls more activily. Although, there were some incidents with males during that time, it was more about rock n roll, drugs, and girls. The times with males during this period was started more by there prompting than my desire. Sex it seems was always started by the other person. I remember having relationships that sex was never involve. Male and Female. I had one male friend that we spent all our time together, hunting, fishing, camping, never once was it very talk about or acted on, although I probility would have if he had moved towards me. Looking back I really started wanting sex with girls and that was really only after my first marriage. I would have a girl friend and be madly in love and would never make advances sexually. There were other girls that let everyone, and that's where I went if some guy didn't make advances first. High school came and went. I got into sports (wrestling) and was pretty good, but I never really tried to hard. Becoming a jock (being good at a sport) and the fact that alot of the kids turned to drugs and my hot car seemed to elevate my social standing. I graduated High school, using drugs, chasing girls, and confused about my weird sexual desire (anal intercoarse).

From high school, I went into the military. I joined the Air Force. Boot camp wasn't that bad and was over quick, from there I went to tech school. There must be a sign around my neck. One the first things that happen to me at tech school was a guy made advances towards me and I found myself being used again, this time I must not have been what He was looking for, I didn't like kissing guys and wouldn't and he did. I left tech school for permanent duty station, Blytheville Arkansas. As soon as I got there I started going home every other weekend. I knew where the drugs and girls were there. On one of the many trips home, I meet my first wife had sex with her the first night and she confused having the big "O" (her first) for love and we started dating. Somebody, (I think me) got her pregnant, she miscarried, but I married her anyway. I had finally achieved manhood. No longer to be haunted by my past, I was now a hetersexual married man. In the months that followed, she became pregnant, I caught her looking the other way(if in fact she didn't cheat) and took her home to her mom's. She bore me a son, we divorced and I fell back into drugs and the search for sex, any sex. I got out of the military and headed back home(Lexington). The party was on and I gave no thought to any future.

Several jobs and multiple women later, (about two years worth) I meet my second wife. She was about 135 lbs with big breast and I fell head over heels, we moved in together and started making house. Yeah, manhood again. Parties all the time and two years later(longer than the first one lasted) we got married and I settled in. About two years into marriage she had our first, we where getting my son on the weekends and it seemed as if life was coming together. There was an incident with my son and girl (he was 4) where it became obvious that he knew more than a little boy should know about sex and we got the lawyers involved and got custody of him. Two more years and another girl later, this married, raising kids thing seems to be working. I wasn't partying all the time, although we did still use some drugs on ocassion, I was working hard and things seemed to be on track. There had been no men sexually in my life for many years now and my strange anal desire seemed to be non-existant. Then came the "the cocaine train". I knew the dangers and rarely used it. My wife, at the time, didn't. She and her girlfriend where using in secret. Before I knew it, we were using and dealing, we both had extra-martial affair and the marriage crashed into a flaming wreck. I found myself deep in a cocaine habit and searching for sex, any sex, again. My desire came back and I activily satisfied that on my own. I found myself raping myself almost uncontrolably, frequently, and viciously. It was at the tailend of that marriage that I first made known to a women my strange desire.

Out on the party scene again, drugs, and sex hunting my life away I meet another girl and moved right in. I was good in bed and was what she was looking for. I fell deeply in love and thought we would spent the rest of our lives together. I was settled down again and life seem somewhat on track. She was the first person I ever told about what happened to me as a young boy. My strange desire calmed down and we start making something out of life. She had just started college and was working towards her degree and I was just working. Then I had a truck wreck got hurt pretty bad. My Grandmother died that year. I remember getting the call and rushing to her side. My grandma meant alot to me, more the I wanted to admit. I came home from her death bed and could only think about having sex with my girlfriend and we did. I knew my grandma was sick and dying, but I refused to see her, wanting to remember her as she was, I know now that was me hiding from the pain. I wish I had spent more time with her. I started college that summer and meet Laurey, we became good friends. I also started acting out my old desire again. My girl friend finished her degree and she was done with me. It didnt' take long and our relationship ended. I rushed into Laurey's arms yet hanging on to that dying relationship. On the day of my twenty year class reunion, the old relationship was killed and I rushed to Laurey's loving arms, and made my comitment to her and moved in. We talked and had sex all the time. We were both in school and making plans for the future. We got married within a year and had Bailey nine months later. Yeah back on track to manhood.

We are now seven years from the present. I finished my degree, Laurey drop out to raise Bailey. Near the end of my degree, the last semester, I decided I need a little party to celabrate my accomlishments, jump on the cocaine train, (bad idea) with in a month I found my self back to my old desires, and deep into addiction. I made the decision to call for help and check myself into drug rehab. That was hard to call my wife up and have her take me to the rehab center. I got off the hard stuff, finished my degree, and settle into to a good job. My old desire didn't go away this time, and I found myself raping myself again. Somethings seemed to settle down, we had another child and things seems good, on the outside. In 2003, we meet a Christian, not like other Christians, I hadn't talk about God in years. Laurey and I had never talk about spiritaul things. I found myself searching for God and WOW did he ever make Himself known.

That's about it: birth to present.

Thanks,

Richard.

Searching the past

Honestly looking at the events of the past, that shaped/molded me into the man I am, how I relate(love or hate) to God, myself, and others because of those events, and where change can be made to enhance the future of those relationships is the journey I am on. Simply put coming to life and all the possibilities it holds.

I must start out by stating this is not an attempt to make myself feel better about myself. This is a call from my Savior; Jesus Christ, to come out of the protective shell I've create to shield me from pain. A shell from which I can neither love or be love, a place I've been hiding from life since childhood. Jesus told the Pharisee to clean the inside of their cup, O' they spent much time cleaning the outside, but the inside was horribly filthy. This statement in the Bible, was profound for me, not because I viewed myself as clean on the outside and dirty inside, but as a key to where the real problem lies. Inside. Where the real reality of my life is found, not the illusion I have created for it. Where the past holds the present in bondage and controls the future. Where I have sought life on my own and failed miserably. A prison I am not longer bound to by the Grace and Mercy of the source of all life, Jesus Christ. This is not a tale of my triumphs, I could never had enter my past, handle the pain, and survived to tell about it. All credit and glory belongs to God. And, I could never thank Him enough, but I will try.

To get the story started, I'll begin by posting my timeline. A record of my life, as best as I can remember, from birth to present. As the blog progesses, I will attempt to tie the present journey together and take you where I've been taken. The path God has me on as I emerge from my shell. Happy reading, I hope this is as impactful for you as it has been and contines to be for me.

God Bless,

Richard.