Journal: July 2006

July 19th,

Wow, thank you Lord, for this incredible journey You have me on. This is awesome. Thank you. Keep me on Your path, following You, focused on You. I seek to know You more, the more You reveal Youself, the more I want of You. Help me to seek those ways I still use to protect myself, help me stop punishing myself and to experience life abundantly. Show me those barriers that keeps me from knowing You more. Thank You. In Your Name I ask.

You are the One, it is because of You, I'm where I'm at now. Experiencing life like never before, like I never could've imagined. Doing this "timeline" again with You, side by side, stirs up, brings to light many new patterns, styles of relating I hadn't seen. Still painful to look at, but so much more easier with you help.

I'm excited about using this blog and becoming more open to the people You have blessed me to be in relationship with. I willing to lay it all out there, for all to see. I trust You. Use my life as You see fit, it's all Yours.

Still getting use to this less passive life, this sevant leader life, this other centered life, you contine to exhbit thru me. The balance of love, peace, and confrontation seems to sway more to the confronting. Will this always be so? I supect at times and depending on the relationship involved to seem so. I just glad Your in control.

July 21st

Relief from the heat in the form of rainstorms, thank you. You continue to show me the how much I need You. I'm convinced that the scope of my ability narrows down to two things: I can screw things up or choose to be lead by You. Or, to say it another way I can do nothing. Nothing on my own. I am stained with self (centeredness, protection, pride, etc.) to the point I don't trust even myself. I'm so arrogant or stupid, I, in Your presence, continue to struggle to find life on my own terms. You are there, willing, wanting to direct all my affairs, take care of me, and You can, You are more than able. I've experienced You. I know who You are, and Your desire, Your will. Yet, even as You do all these things, bring me to life. I still turn around and break Your heart. I know no harm can come to me. I know You will provide for my every need. Your love is like no other. Your touch so sweet and gentle. You are powerful beyond words. There is no other. Still I turn my back to You. Saying, "Oh I get it, here let me drive" or "let me do it, ______". Or the best one, "I've conquer that struggle, with God's help". What arrogance, what stupidity. I've done nothing, I received a gift. And, with that gift became Proud, not humbe, Proud as if I'm something special, as if I done something. Earned it some how. Yes, it's I'm holding up the gift in the air and boasting for all to see what I've accomplished. It's shameful, it's knocking You off your place and putting myself up there. I'm my biggest idol. Even as, your right here. I proclaim my status as God in my life. I need a Savior, bad, more everyday. Thank You for being my Savior. Thank You for Your Grace and Mercy. Thank You for eyes to see and ears to hear You. Thank You.

July 22nd

I'm glad Your leading me thru this mess. It's so confusing, so many seniarios run thru my head sometimes I don't know what to think. Do this, do that, go here, say this, on and on. Questioning human motives, reacting to circumstance, it all quite tiring. How to lead my family in Your ways, what is leading anyway? Is it abandoning myself to You? Do I just let You work in my life and the others will follow. Do I insist on certain behaviors? How do I urge them on? I know I said I wouldn't question. But, here I am with what certainly is questions. Not of Your intentions, but for your guidance. If You are in control of my life, all of my life, then why don't I trust. Why do I need such intimate instruction on the bacis of living. I, at times, fear that I'm trying to control and I know I will mess up. The line gets bllurred to what's of me and what's of You. Then throw in time, I'm impatience. I lean toward the easy road. Yet, I know that's not the way, not always. And, at the same time, the rough road is made easy by Your hand. It truly has been since You entered my life. The last two or three day I've been reading about the people of Jerusalem, and how they trusted you in the face of the Assirians and how You destroyed the enemy without them picking up a sword. They came to You and call for Your help and they didn't have to lift a finger. Totally dependant on You is where I want to be. You're in control and want to help. I need controlled and I am without ability to help myself. Thank You as You continue to put the pieces together in my life. My love for You grows as does my trust. Thank You

July 25th,

The lack of air conditioning the past two days sure has made life at the house interesting. I guess we're use to our comforts and luxuries. I guess it could have been hotter. None the less, we are surviving.
I'm still fighting inside, and of coarse, it's about me not getting what I think I need. I have trouble understanding what the big deal is. It's not like we both won't benefit. I feel I've made known my feelings and desires. It sure gets frustrating when the response is more work than just doing it. I just don't understand. She wants to, she just can't submit. It's really quite sad and very lonely from a physical standpoint. I know You are there and are the only one who can love me perfectly. I know I am loved here also, and I don't exspect to be loved perfectly here. I'm in need of physical touch, I want to be pursued and held, I want to be wanted by my wife. I don't remember being held much, if at all, when I was younger atleast not the way a child should be held anyway. I need to rest in the arms of, lay against, be cuddled, or stroked, and caressed. Can You do this for me. I have felt Your touch. I long for it. You are more than enough. I don't understand why. This life is so much more than I've ever had. Help me to be patient.

July 26th,

Haven't felt up today. Late night, no sleep I'm sure contributed to my depressed state. It's not that good things aren't happening, they are. Group cancelled, I guess that's part of it. I enjoy the time spent in community. It will be two more week until we meet again and I share my timeline. I'm excited and looking forward to what You will do. I'm also not looking forward to entering the pain, although I will, knowing You are there. I was trying to remember good times in my past. There are good memories, vacations, time spent with family, and others. Even in the mist of the all the pain and trauma, I have good memories. I thank You for protecting me all those years. It had to be you, by all rights I shouldn't have made it this long, only by divine supernatural power, have I survived. I very grateful, and thankful for all You have done.
It seem even my good memories, were just attempts at change reality. Cooping by creating fun and entering my shattered world through filter lens. The truth is no matter how I choose to view my past, it's was a horrible and painful time, which shaped me from a victim to and agent in this fallen mean world. I find myself today, saved by Your Grace, and in the middle of the big war. All around, children are being abused. God save our children. You are our only hope. You certainly have made big changes in my life. This life of an adult survivor of child sexual abuse. Thank You for helping me enter into the pain of life and bringing me thru this mess into new life. I know there is a long way to go and I know You will be there every step of the way. Thanks.

July 27th,

Early, 12 mins after midnight I just had to write this down. March 26th 2005 I posted, on a well know christain forum, about being rape when I was young and struggling with the aftermath as an adult. I felt lead to lay it out there and see what happened. It was really the first time I ever publicly talk about it. A few people posted and mostly thanked me for my bravery and encouraged me on in my struggle. Well, today I check in on that forum and someone had private messaged me and I could tell by their comments that You had totally lead them to that message. And, inspired them to contact me. That's way cool. It touches me deep in my soul, that You could use such a tradegic event and bring healing to someone hundreds of miles away. WOW, You continue to amaze me. I am in awe, and can't wait to see what You do next. I'm glad You're in control. I hope and pray that that person finds the hope, love, and freedom that You offer to all and have given me. Thank You Love.


Your will is my command. You set the stage and I will offer myself for Your use. You are more than enough, I was down yesterday and You lifted my up. You continue to pour Your love all over me. Your Grace is sufficient. I can't thank You enough. You've set me free, and I choose to worship You with ever breath. How may I serve You next. Thank You. My heart is Yours.

That person contacted me again, help me to share the blessings You have given me. They're looking for the freedom You provide. Can blame them. You are the only one who can provide. Give me the words of truth, and Your constant guidance. Take me out of the way and use me as You will. Thank You for this awesome seat from which to watch You work.

July 28th,

So what ya going to do with this gift, Ricky? Are you going to find your worth in it, or are ya going to keep you eyes on Jesus and find your worth there? Remember, He set the stage for this to happen, He put His plan into action, you just get to ride along, it's not about you. Find the humble place, graciously accept the gift, and return to your seat, you're filled with joy, express it and give Him the honors. He gave you the joy, too, don't let it go to your head, it's heart joy. You know, the kind you're not used to. It's the waters of life and the Source want you to have access to it. You don't even have to do much, just the hardest thing you've ever done, which is, let Him do it for you and accept His free gift, He only asks that you to be completely dependent on Him. Look to Him for all of life. Stop looking for it yourself. Let Him be God, and you enjoy Him in His present risenness, while you eagerly await His physical return. While you wait, for His return, there are many soul that need to be set free, free from the same prison you were in. Your testimony to His work, in your life, how He set you free, is His call to those still hiding from the pain of this fallen world. Your job is to let His light shine, and testify to His Life, lived in you. That should be easy. Just let Him lead you, He'll do the rest. Remember, His ways are not your ways, so don't think you know how he will work in someone else's life or even your own, in other words, don't try to fix anybody or yourself, you don't know how. All you can do is testify to how He's worked in your life and your not really sure how He did that, just that He did and you had nothing to do with it, you just get to enjoy the life and praise Him for His Grace, and let Him lead. So, little Ricky, Richard is waiting for you to take your seat, we're at the Greatest Party ever thrown, we're guest of, long lost relatives to the Host of the party. We've been given front row seats, the party is going to go on whether we enjoy it or not. So let's enjoy it. Let's start now! What an honor. And, all we have to do is share it and share in it. And, there's more than enough for everybody, a never ending stream. Just let it flow thru, it gets better and better. He is what you've alway been looking for, more than you ever dreamed. He is the source of all life. So it time to grow up, stop going back to that shelter, it not there anymore, He torn it down and we don't need it. I know you'll make the right decision.

July 29th,

Meditating on where You've taken me, over the past years. It seems You've always been in my life. And, where You're taking me now, can't wait to see what's next. Especially, now that You've got me out of that old shell. Wow, what a ride it's been so far. And, all by Your hand. BTW, thank You. Will write more later.

I don't understand, over a year ago I wrote of three boys taking me to the creek, today I tell the same story except with only two boys. What am I surpressing. I've never been able to make sense of why I was allowed to be down there with two strangers. What's missing Lord. The logical answer is I was not allow to go down there with these strangers, I was allowed to go with my uncle and these two boys. If that's the case, then my uncle is part of this. Is this true? And, to what degree would his involvement have been? I was alone with him alot. I'm having a hard time believing this, not that it couldn't be so. I'm asking You to help me understand. This would be a major pain that needs to be meet. I would say, more painful than finding out about my parents involvement. It could explain alot more about what happened. I'm going to trust You, just like before, to take me there and bring me back. I'm ready.

July 31st.

Ok, so I'm walking around just at the edge of brokenness, You known, ready to burst into tears at any moment, feeling just like I'm almost falling of the cliff. Yea, that's the place. Fighting with the truth, fearing the pain, hestitant because of the pain, knowing it's coming. I'm as ready as I'll ever be. I have You right beside me every step of the way. You have more than proven that, although I don't know why You should or would, You have, and I'm gratiful. The fellow abuse survivor is nice to talk to, it is evident that I have stuff to learn and teach at the same time. This community you have placed me in is awesome, thank You. This life You have called me to is beyond belief and it's just started. Wow. Thank You for the Love, Grace, and Mercy You show me nonstop. We will talk more.