Part of the Change!

What has changed since the Spirit of God entered this house and was given control. The short answer is everything. But there is much more to it! Starting from the beginning, and I'm sure I will leave something out, the first change I noticed was freedom from the physical expression of sin, sin being lust, an all consuming desire for sex, worshipping the sex no-god, bowing before him in constant worship, every thought tainted with sex, and seeking life from sex. Though the drive behind the physical expression was gone, the habit of thinking and acting that way was and is a continual battle. A battle I couldn't win alone, but I'm not alone. My view of sex and sexuality has changed and probably will change even more. God has taken me thru what seem like several stages, that have shaped my thinking toward sex and where I seek life from. I had tried for decades, to squeeze wholeness, or life, or fulfillment, or satisfaction, whatever you want to call it, from sex. Wholeness, the kind we all long for, can only be found in the Creator, the Giver of Life, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, there is NO other source. He's the only one. But, because of the event in the Garden of Eden, we are separated from the Source of all Life. And, that why I find myself in dire need of rescue, my ways are so ingrained that it's going to take a life time, or what left, to change into what God has desired for me.

As the seasons pass, I'm discovering a whole new way of life. A life where sex is a gift, a gracious gift, that's given out of other-centeredness. It's so much more than the act of inserting or of being enter by ones genital. I'm discovering that sex isn't even important, I know that sends shivers down peoples back, but it really isn't. What's important is God. Does anyone intend to have sex with God? I think there much more to it! And, I think sex has nothing to do with it. As I said, sex is a gift given by God, perverted by man. There have been a few times now, when sex was the farthest thing from my mind, and then out of nowhere finding myself being desired by my wife. I was surprised, it was not by my efforts, it was a gift, and Wow what a gift. Something happened that I've never really experienced before, it was awesome. Of coarse, I tried later to re-enact the event, it was nothing like the gift, it was me trying to please myself. Yet another stage, of the changing view I hold. A view that's changing from sex as giving life to God who can give life.

Five years later

On this day, five years ago I remember most vividly my reaction to the event of the day. I was awaken by my wife, after working the night shift, and walked into the front room to see the second plane hit the World Trade Center. Needless to say, I didn't return to sleep that day. I watched in disbelief as the networks replayed the first attack and as the towers fell into ruin. As the anger welled up, I remember wishing that there was something I could do. I went to work that evening, not feeling like working at all. As I drove that night to make my delievers, it was the strangest and most serreal night I've ever remembered. Not a plane in the sky, the whole sense of the night was eriely quiet. I was not a Christian at the time, I was an American and we had been attack, and I was mad as hell and ready to go to war. They had kill inocent men, women, and children for no good reason. I wanted revenge and was willing to fly a plane into one of their buildings if given the chance. As I said, I wasn't a follower of Christ Jesus yet. I was mad, madder than I had ever been before in my life.

I'm not mad today. Today, I'm thankful, thankful for His coming into my life, thankful that today, I can pray for those who are so blinded by their hatred and self-centeredness. Today, I can say, Thank You Jesus for all You do and all Your about to do. As the world fall into choas and fills with smoke and ash and the cries of those being hurt and killed echoe thru the air, I can sing Your praises and rest in that fact that You and You alone are in control of all. Thank You Lord Jesus, Thank You.

Learning to Communicate

I'm discovering the possibility that my internal world and my external appearance do match up. It seem that what I'm feeling on the inside is either not being projected or is being projected wrong.

Recently, while dining and conversing with my wife and two friends. I asked a question to clarify what was being said, all three people stated that I appeared to be mad. What was going on inside me, wasn't anger, rather passionate curiosity. I didn't understand what was being said.

I don't discount that my two worlds are disconnected, I have lived my entire life up until now securely tucked in my hell, I'm mean shell. Even now, I've only been experiencing real life for a short time, and the just of what I've felt has been the pain and sorrow that I hid so well from. Even reading what others are thinking and feeling is new to me. I've always been so suspect of everyone, and I finding that suspicion hard to overcome. Then there's my motives behind what I say and do. Wow, that a fun ride. Not! My self-centered interests are alive and well and I find that questioning my motives is something that must be done constantly.

It's rare, for me, to find conversation that's not clouded by self-interest, mine or others. But, in those time that I am curious about someone else and there is no motive other than walking along side the person or in the times when others are that away with me. Something at the Soul level is exchanged and I can feel Jesus intimately involved in the relationship. Those are the times I long for. Times when words do not have to be spoken.

Sexual Desire: Good and/or Bad

I'm discovering that what drives my sexual desire is the key to whether or not that desire is sinful. My view of sex and sexual desire, up until, now has been twisted to say the least. God created sex and sexual desire and it's created intend was, as a gift between a man and a women in marriage to strengthen their bond and accent it, if you will. Sex and Sexual desires are good, no they're Great. God wants us to enjoy sex. He does not, however, want us to replace our need for Him with the need for sex. I have always placed more importance on sex than on anything else, God included. I searched for satisfaction there, have never found it, there, yet I continue to return to it, even now knowing the only place to find what's missing is with God Himself. In the bonds of marriage, in that biblical place where sex is not sin, I sin in my attitude towards my wife. Viewing sex as a right, a possesion, something due me, and I have Scripture to back me up. Yeah, right. That not what God think, even in the marriage bed, in the supposed pursuit of your wife as one of God's own children, I covet that gift of sex, motives of self-center gratification are in my depths, My desire for sex should not control my every thought. Yes, God created this drive in me, as a gift, not to consume all my attention, even if all my advance are at my wife, every thought about her and her alone, even then if my only motivation is to have sex then, I'm no better than worst sinner, indeed I am the "Chief of all Sinners". I do believe that God wants me to pursue my wife, but not for her gential area alone. If in the process of exploring who my wife is and what makes her "tick", if somewhere along the way we stop to enjoy each other sexually, then that a gift and worthy of enjoying to it's fullest. That's happening now, even though it's still a struggle, there are glimpse of what God intended sex to be in my life. It wonderful and gets better each time it happens. To say I can't wait, would be a lie, I can wait, and I can be content to let God give me that gift again, if He should ever chose to. Even in marriage, it not about me, it about Him.