I'm discovering the possibility that my internal world and my external appearance do match up. It seem that what I'm feeling on the inside is either not being projected or is being projected wrong.
Recently, while dining and conversing with my wife and two friends. I asked a question to clarify what was being said, all three people stated that I appeared to be mad. What was going on inside me, wasn't anger, rather passionate curiosity. I didn't understand what was being said.
I don't discount that my two worlds are disconnected, I have lived my entire life up until now securely tucked in my hell, I'm mean shell. Even now, I've only been experiencing real life for a short time, and the just of what I've felt has been the pain and sorrow that I hid so well from. Even reading what others are thinking and feeling is new to me. I've always been so suspect of everyone, and I finding that suspicion hard to overcome. Then there's my motives behind what I say and do. Wow, that a fun ride. Not! My self-centered interests are alive and well and I find that questioning my motives is something that must be done constantly.
It's rare, for me, to find conversation that's not clouded by self-interest, mine or others. But, in those time that I am curious about someone else and there is no motive other than walking along side the person or in the times when others are that away with me. Something at the Soul level is exchanged and I can feel Jesus intimately involved in the relationship. Those are the times I long for. Times when words do not have to be spoken.
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