Journal: August 2006

August 1st,

I find I'm afraid of the answers to the questions. I know I'm not supposed to be afraid, and my fear only add to the pain. I want, restoration. I think, the damage runs to deep to every get pass it in this life. I'm glad, I pay little attention to myself, and leave the room for You to work. It's not even that I need to be free of pain, as long as I'm able to love, and live, life would be vastly improved. I don't want personal gain, I want to be of benefit to you. I know we've made progess and I now have a greater understanding of You, I also see I'll always be in need of You. It seems like, even knowing this, I've starting thinking I've gotten pass this, some how better able to care for myself. This is the farthest thing from the truth, the reality is I'm utterly dependent on You, shouldn't even be allowed to think for myself, much less have the ideal that I'm capable of doing anything. I need You more every day. Everyday, I find I'm dependent on You for everything, and each new day doesn't change that fact. It only serves as a reminder of my total dependence on You. The funny thing is I find my freedom in You, freedom I've always look for in independence. Free from the struggle to create life, maintain that life, and manage it effectively. Thank You for wanting to give me life, for living this life for me, and for all the other things You do that I have no ideal of. May I never forget to surrender my control of each day to You.

August 2nd,

I have no ideal of how You will work in my life today, just that You will. This use to frigthen me, and I held, am still struggling with, great importance in knowing what You were going to do next. I'm finding that need less as important, and enjoyable, as is the exhilaration of experiencing Your work firsthand. You are certainly full of surprizes. There's no second guessing You. And, You always get Your way. You require and deserve my complete trust. I'm learning how to do that, although it seems slow and shaky from this side, and I'm in need of Your help with this too. You know I can never thank You enough. With love.

August 3rd,

Let me start out by stating: "I need You", "I give all control to You", and "Thank You". What areas of my life are not surrendered to You? Help me to see those areas and give up my desire for control. I invite You into every room, You have the run of the house. This blind and batter being is tired of trying to live his own life, tired of his failures, tired of the constant battle, tired of fighting to make something of his life. Let me rest and watch as You work. Use this pile of dust to do whatever You desire, I have no use for it anymore. I have not the knowledge to make it perform. You alone are the only Being, who can. There's just no sense in me trying anymore. As a father, I'm a failure, for the sake of my children please come to their rescue. As a husband, I'm a failure, please be the husband my wife so desperately needs. As Your follower, I'm a failure, I don't understand most of the time and I run off constantly on my own, please help me to be loving, faithful, obedient, patient, understanding, and surrendered completely to You. I need You, You are my Savior, and the only One who can help.

August 4th,

Thank You for grounding me in the truth of my desperate condition. Even as You work wonders in my life, bringing hope and showering me with grace, I find myself floored at the depravity of my being and the love You have for me. What a tangled mess I've made. Thank You for taking apon Yourself all my trouble. In the mist of all the pain and sorrow, I feel some how, joyful and excited about what You're doing. Thank You, Your love and concern for me make no sense. It would be easier for You to just be done with me, but that's not the way You work. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

August 5th,

Two days of extreme physical pain have overshadowed the emotional pain somewhat. It's hard to think of anything else. Really tired of this, although it must be nothing compared to what You went through. Thank You for a somewhat understanding family. It must be extremely hard on them. I know I could be in much worse circumstances. It's really hard to think and express my feelings in the mist of this pain. I'm grateful, and feel blessed and at the same time wish it would go away. I know You said Your Grace is sufficant, and it is more than sufficant. I guess I'm just tired, phyiscally and emotionally. Thank You, I know that without You in my life this would be intolerable. Bless You Lord with all my love.

August 6,

I hear your call to go back to the scene of the rape. Just the thought of that is painful, not to mention the pain of knowing I will. If that make any sense. What's there? Is that little six year old boy waiting there. Thank God for the community that you've surrounded me with. The brothers will go in a heart beat and help see me thru. Thank You.

August 8th,

So thankful that your in control and guiding my life. I guess, if my eyes are focused solely on You I don't need to know what's next, what's coming, or where to go. So very thankful. Tommorrow is the day I share the reality of my life with my small group. You are the only reason I will enter into the pain. Not for personal gain, just that You ask me to and I know that You will be there very step of the way and afterwards You will still be there. That knowlegde will allow me to go to depths I haven't been yet. Thank You. Am I nervous, yes and no. Yes, because I don't like pain, no, because You are here and care for me like no one else. Thanks again Love.
Been a day, since I wrote this morning. I hope I showed some restraint. I hope I showed You to someone. Each day certainly has it's twists. Thanks for being there. With Love.

August 9th,

I want You to show me the idolitry in my life, but it hurts to see how subtle the ways are. I'm still bowing to the sex god, still looking to that for statisfaction, even creating new twists to justify the need. Taking possesion of Your gifts instead of just enjoying the gift. Making the gift more important than You. There no bottom to the depths of my sinfulness.

August 10th,

Still processing what You've shown me, and continue to get more. Sharing the truth about my life this time wasn't the same as last time. Last time I came into it with anxiety, this time Your loving presence didn't leave room for that option. There was no fear. You have shown me that You are not ashamed of me, nothing I have hidden from the world or myself could change that. You already known me inside out. And, You love me as I am. What the world thinks of me doesn't matter. You are my only audience. You accept me and that is all I need. I still have a long way to go, and I know You are leading the way. Thank You for helping me see past my emotions and guiding me as I explore my wife's pain. Help me to move towards her with discernment and pure motives. I'm relying on You to guide me as I learn to love her as You love the church. Thank You again for always being here. What a journey, WOW.

August 14th,

Trying hard not to put expectations on what will happen at the creek. I trust You and know that You will be there. I could give forgiveness if confronted with my abuser. I could tell him "I forgive you" and share the Gospel with him. If I run into him that's what I'll do. I'm excited to see what You will do. I can also introduce that little boy who's still out there, to You and the wonders You have performed in my life. I can face the pain that's there and the memory also. I can do all this, only because of You. Your love for me and the grace you have shown me is more than any trial I could face. I know You will be there and see me thru anything that comes my way. Nothing matters except what You want, what You need. I thank You with all my heart. I love You with all my being. You are the central focus of my life. All I want to see is You and You alone. Thank You for this wonderful life.

August 15th,

I will go the creek where I was raped at the age of six, tommorrow. I don't know what I will find, but I know Your in charge and I put my trust in You. Whatever happens tommorrow let it be to Your Glory. I thank You. What a wonderful life You have given me.

August 17th,

The day after, thoughts are more about how that incident made me. How sex has rule my life, how I rarely did anything that wasn't sexually orrientated. How thankful I am for You and how much I need You everyday.

August 21st,

Very thankful today.

August 29th,

Things are moving in my life.